Where is my miracle?
I admit, I have asked this question. I have just shared 7 miracles this week and have literally heard many of you testify of hundreds if not thousands of miracles. Where was our miracle? A recent talk by Elder Donald Hallstrom asked this very question and it has been heavy on my mind ever since. Especially considering the recent events in Las Vegas where there are 58 families asking, “where is my miracle?” I know there are families and people all over that are going through a divorce, dealing with depression, coming to grips with infidelity, death, addiction, and chronic illnesses. Where is our miracle?
When Kycie was in the hospital, it was a time in my life that I have never prayed for something with such a broken heart, contrite spirit and faith. I have never experienced such an army of prayers in her behalf. Why did we not get the miracle we prayed so hard for?
Kycie would be turning 8 years old today. In my culture, this is a very important birthday. It would be the year she could choose to be baptized and take upon her the name of Jesus Christ. Do not get me wrong; I firmly know where my baby girl is. I know that children are alive in Christ, and that as Kycie died as a child she is saved in Christ. That being said, it is still one of those milestones, those cultural celebrations that as parents, we truly miss. It is wonderful to see all of Kycie’s friends make that decision and be baptized, at the same time you are fighting off feelings of sorrow and self-pity. Why was Kycie the statistical anomaly or the rare case that seems to never happen? Why my girl?
In his talk, Elder Hallstrom spoke of a Bible story I have heard many times, but until his talk I only understood half the story. He said, “King Nebuchadnezzar demanded that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego worship the golden image he set up as a god, threatening, “If ye worship not, ye shall be cast … into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.” Then he taunted them with, “Who is that God that shall deliver out of my hands?” These three devout disciples said: “If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace. … But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods.”
Why do I only remember the miracle? Why do I only remember that the three were saved from the fiery furnace? I remember their faith in miracles, but do not remember their faith in God’s plan.
There are so many times that I have felt shame, unworthiness and guilt for a lack of faith, faith in a miracle. I remember reading so many comments on Instagram and Facebook while Kycie was in the hospital. Things like, “I know she will be completely healed and will be your little girl again.” “I believe she will walk, and talk and be back to school for Kindergarten.” I would read these comments and think to myself, “you don’t know how bad it is. You are not here to see her MRI, and listen to the doctors report. You are not here to see how much she struggles through the day. 23 hours of struggle for 1 hour of amazement.” That is when my guilt would set in. When I would wonder why I couldn’t believe like others do for a miracle.
Reading this scripture last week helped me realize something about myself. Maybe my faith wasn’t as misplaced as I thought it was. In fact, maybe my emphasis of faith in God’s plan, His atonement and eternal life, was what gave me strength and emotional stability through Kycie’s ups, downs and ultimately when she passed away as I held her in my arms. Some define a miracle as a “beneficial event brought about though divine power that mortals do not understand.” Had all my faith been placed in this type of miracle, I may not have fared so well. I would have been devastated when we did not get our miracle. I may question God. I may doubt His existence. I might have lost faith and become deaf and blind to the millions of spiritual miracles that were all around us.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego had all confidence that God could save them from the furnace. BUT if He didn’t, they had complete faith in His plan. I learned it is okay to ask for miracles. Ask for the very thing you want. Ask for everything you want, even the impossible. Having hope that you will get your beneficial event brought about through divine power. However, it is not a lack of faith to say, “BUT”. Being real about the situation you are in and understanding that God’s ways are not always our ways. This will give you peace, comfort and understanding if you don’t get your desired miracle.
As the long days in the hospital went on, I began to realize that each day was a miracle. Given what her brain scan looked like and what the doctors were telling us, it was a miracle that Kycie opened her eyes. It was a miracle that she breathed on her own, that she wiggled her toes, held her head up and rolled over by herself. It was a miracle when she smiled and when she came home. It is a miracle that she passed away when she did and how she did. It is a miracle that so many people were touched by her life. The hundreds of stories that have been shared by people all over the world, each is a miracle. It doesn’t matter who you are, what religion you affiliate with. We are all entitled to miracles; they just might not be the ones we were hoping to get. What ever you are going through, I pray that you get your miracle. And it you do not, I pray that you will have faith in His plan for you. Happy birthday sweetheart. I think about you every day, all day. Thank you for helping me believe in miracles. Thank you for being my little girl forever and ever. I love you. Daddy